[what's up cinnabar - it's dark again by the time that lune is able to respond to the lantern, but they seem to be hanging out in the garden, admiring different flowers. when they approach, lune will turn toward them, a gentle smile in their voice]
I had thought you did not wish to speak with anyone more than you had to.
[ this is how they're starting this conversation, evidently - with a blunt question devoid of context. They stomp over towards Lune, no longer worried about causing harm with their poison. ]
Of course I am! How -- how did you do that? No... [ that's not what they should ask. ] Is this - permanent? Can you make all of it go away?
[ the words fall out of their mouth before they can stop them - before they're sure if that's what they want. Without the poison, they'd just be a regular gem - one with a hardness of 2.0, perfectly useless, just when they'd found purpose. Their heart is so full of conflict; the mercury still tailing them in the air shakes and spikes in tempo with their aggravation. ]
[that sure is a lot of questions, and when they speak, it's in the same, calm measured tone even as they regard Cinnabar thoughtfully]
One at a time - if it is answers that you seek, then I shall assist in helping you find them.
But first, you ought to know that the young one and I had no control over who was brought here, or how. We made no conscious decision to nullify you of your poisonous properties.
[ the question stops them in their tracks, despite all their vigor from a moment ago. This time last year, their answer would have been clear and instant: yes. Yes, of course they want it to go away permanently, this poison that's ruined their life and trapped them in the night, damning them a lonely and unfulfilling existence.
But after the night raid happened - after everything happened, and their poison was one of the only things that could protect the other gems, saved Bort's life, even - how can they say it should go away? They'd finally found something meaningful to do. If they lost this poison, they'd just be another gem - a pathetically weak one, with their low hardness, not suited for battle, not suited for anything with their personality. The toxic body they loathe so much is now simultaneously the only thing they perceive as giving them value. ]
[ Cinnabar's instinct is to lash out and recoil when Lune starts getting close to the heart of the matter; however, they find they don't have the energy. It's been a long day. And what's the point, anyway?
They could do everything if it was gone. What couldn't they do? They could touch a flower; they could pick berries for powder like the others; they could wield a weapon to protect Kongou with; they could sleep with the others during the winter, and wear the special pajamas Red Beryl knit for them every year that they always have to ignore. They could talk to another gem without feeling ashamed of their disgusting body or worrying about a hair accidentally brushing against them. So many things...
[thoughtfully, and lune will reach out to one of the flowers in the garden. they gently pluck an azalea - patience, modesty, soft and pink - and offer it out to cinnabar almost as a peace offering.]
It must have been something you thought impossible before all this - you've been avoiding others rather fervently, haven't you? Out of kindness, and the wish to minimize the burden you might place upon them and others here.
But it is not impossible.
So with that - I would like to ask you, because I want to hear your intentions from your own mouth.
[ their eyes settle on the flower, and uncertainty grips them like a hand squeezing their midsection. Taking that feels tantamount to putting trust in this person - whose face they can't even see, and whose intentions are completely opaque to Cinnabar. For as much as Lune has insisted that they're in the same boat as the others, not knowing, and as harmless as they've been, Cinnabar still finds they can't quite believe in them yet, and they cast their gaze downward again, arms still at their sides. ]
Anything. Normal things, that all the other gems can do. [ ... ] ... I just want to be useful.
anyway they do not appear to be offended by the lack of acceptance, instead just lifting the flower higher, as if admiring it in the evening light.]
... one's use does not always stem from what they are capable of physically. It might be in the thoughts that they share with others, the impressions they leave behind. To have the ability to harm, and to do everything in your power to prevent it... It's a powerful testament to the type of being that you are.
It is impressive, all on its own.
At least in the eyes of this old man, you are already useful.
But if there is something that you wish to have, then I also wish for it to be within your grasp.
[ bold of you to assume cinnabar differentiates between child and adult murders........
there's some truth in what he says, and thus, Cinnabar has to take it seriously. Euclase and Peridot and the others had already mentioned the value of their intelligence and quick thinking; it's not the same as their empathy being important the way Totally Not Saint-Germain sees it, but it's adjacent to it. Value in who they are. It's hard to imagine when they think of themself as vile and unnecessary. But those little words of praise the others gave them back home, probably without even thinking, keep Cinnabar from dismissing the idea entirely. ]
I haven't done anything useful for you, either. You're just trying to appease me.
[ they reply, but their voice is neutral, pensive, even wistful. What they want... ]
[there is a laugh at that, gently amused and still full of warmth]
It must sound like it, doesn't it?
[to appease someone. it's not as if lune hasn't been doing a fair amount of that, given the level of damage control they have to attend to in this place. however - ]
That was not my intention. I only speak things as I witness them. There is no merit to me in beautiful words weaved only to trick or deceive.
It is not my wish for you to be useful to me - but perhaps that you would be able to find confidence in yourself.
[ it's not the kind of doubt that can be remedied by a few words. Why should they believe he wants anything good for them? They can hardly believe it when their own kin claim to want to help them.
Still. Cinnabar is soft-hearted by nature. Even if their mind rebels against his claims in self-defense, a deeper part of them wants what he's saying to be true. It would be nice to have people care. Not that they're going to say any of that - instead, they switch gears. ]
If you're not the one who did this, then you can't control whether it's permanent or not. Right?
I cannot directly be the one to make it so - but I can, if nothing else, ask for it to be put into consideration. When the young one and I make requests of the fates, there are moments when it will hear us.
Even if it is not a promise, it will be an attempt - and attempt after attempt, if that is what it takes.
[lune doesn't mind being a little annoying every now and then if it means that they'll accomplish what they'd like.]
I do not wish to give you false hope - but by a similar measure, I think it is also not entirely hopeless.
I'm afraid that is the role that the young one and I agreed to when it came to overseeing this course of events. For better or for worse, we may make contact in a place that the rest of you are unable to at the moment.
[that said,]
We do not have to be strangers, if you don't wish for it.
[ What's that supposed to be? An offer of friendship? Can you make friends just by asking like that? Cinnabar doesn't think it works that way. It took them so long to even acknowledge the fellow gems as their friends - and only after a few dire events.
But they're allowed to make friends, maybe. They're not dangerous anymore. They sigh, quietly. ]
I don't know if I can trust you. You're an unknown to me.
[ normally, they'd complain about the patronizing attitude, but they're too shaken up to be as bristly as they usually are. Cinnabar's eyes are tired as they glance up into the darkness of his hood - but there's nothing to be read there. ]
... Do whatever you want.
[ if he wants to try and earn their trust... they won't stop him. ]
[ that's been bothering them. None of the gems wear anything like that, and it's a little unsettling not being able to see what expression he's making. Cinnabar's already bad at social interactions. ]
It is one of the directives we have been given. In truth, I do not know if it helps, but I do not think that it hinders either.
Perhaps once we get to know one another better, I will be able to remove it.
Even so, I would not want appearances to color our first impressions of one another. Even though you are not human, others may still be very quick to judge.
[ another vague answer. Cinnabar's brow furrows, but, again, they can't quite summon up the vigor to argue over it. As far as they're concerned, his wearing a hood and hiding his face makes him far more suspicious than his face ever could have. ]
Nothing you do makes any sense. You keep talking like there's someone above you giving orders, but you don't know who or what that is... Even so, you're still listening to it. Am I wrong?
In some way, it was a choice of faith to participate in this in this capacity - but the understanding that if I was not the one to do it, then someone else would be tasked with it.
I would rather do what I can in my own power, even if it is not as much as I wish, than to allow it to pass idly by without me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 0, post-trial
I had thought you did not wish to speak with anyone more than you had to.
To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?
no subject
[ this is how they're starting this conversation, evidently - with a blunt question devoid of context. They stomp over towards Lune, no longer worried about causing harm with their poison. ]
no subject
Are you referring to the removal of your ability to harm others outside of your control?
no subject
[ the words fall out of their mouth before they can stop them - before they're sure if that's what they want. Without the poison, they'd just be a regular gem - one with a hardness of 2.0, perfectly useless, just when they'd found purpose. Their heart is so full of conflict; the mercury still tailing them in the air shakes and spikes in tempo with their aggravation. ]
no subject
One at a time - if it is answers that you seek, then I shall assist in helping you find them.
But first, you ought to know that the young one and I had no control over who was brought here, or how. We made no conscious decision to nullify you of your poisonous properties.
[ . . . ]
Do you wish for it to go away permanently?
no subject
[ the question stops them in their tracks, despite all their vigor from a moment ago. This time last year, their answer would have been clear and instant: yes. Yes, of course they want it to go away permanently, this poison that's ruined their life and trapped them in the night, damning them a lonely and unfulfilling existence.
But after the night raid happened - after everything happened, and their poison was one of the only things that could protect the other gems, saved Bort's life, even - how can they say it should go away? They'd finally found something meaningful to do. If they lost this poison, they'd just be another gem - a pathetically weak one, with their low hardness, not suited for battle, not suited for anything with their personality. The toxic body they loathe so much is now simultaneously the only thing they perceive as giving them value. ]
I'm... still deciding, [ they finish, weakly. ]
no subject
You needn't decide immediately.
It is difficult, is it not? To think of one thing as a plague all your life, only to find it to be an irreplaceable part of you.
[at least, that's what they gleaned from their conversation with swift wind]
If it were to be gone, what would you do?
no subject
They could do everything if it was gone. What couldn't they do? They could touch a flower; they could pick berries for powder like the others; they could wield a weapon to protect Kongou with; they could sleep with the others during the winter, and wear the special pajamas Red Beryl knit for them every year that they always have to ignore. They could talk to another gem without feeling ashamed of their disgusting body or worrying about a hair accidentally brushing against them. So many things...
But they couldn't do anything to stop Phos. ]
... Why would you ask that?
no subject
[thoughtfully, and lune will reach out to one of the flowers in the garden. they gently pluck an azalea - patience, modesty, soft and pink - and offer it out to cinnabar almost as a peace offering.]
It must have been something you thought impossible before all this - you've been avoiding others rather fervently, haven't you? Out of kindness, and the wish to minimize the burden you might place upon them and others here.
But it is not impossible.
So with that - I would like to ask you, because I want to hear your intentions from your own mouth.
no subject
Anything. Normal things, that all the other gems can do. [ ... ] ... I just want to be useful.
[ to be needed by someone, for something... ]
no subject
anyway they do not appear to be offended by the lack of acceptance, instead just lifting the flower higher, as if admiring it in the evening light.]
... one's use does not always stem from what they are capable of physically. It might be in the thoughts that they share with others, the impressions they leave behind. To have the ability to harm, and to do everything in your power to prevent it... It's a powerful testament to the type of being that you are.
It is impressive, all on its own.
At least in the eyes of this old man, you are already useful.
But if there is something that you wish to have, then I also wish for it to be within your grasp.
no subject
there's some truth in what he says, and thus, Cinnabar has to take it seriously. Euclase and Peridot and the others had already mentioned the value of their intelligence and quick thinking; it's not the same as their empathy being important the way Totally Not Saint-Germain sees it, but it's adjacent to it. Value in who they are. It's hard to imagine when they think of themself as vile and unnecessary. But those little words of praise the others gave them back home, probably without even thinking, keep Cinnabar from dismissing the idea entirely. ]
I haven't done anything useful for you, either. You're just trying to appease me.
[ they reply, but their voice is neutral, pensive, even wistful. What they want... ]
no subject
It must sound like it, doesn't it?
[to appease someone. it's not as if lune hasn't been doing a fair amount of that, given the level of damage control they have to attend to in this place. however - ]
That was not my intention. I only speak things as I witness them. There is no merit to me in beautiful words weaved only to trick or deceive.
It is not my wish for you to be useful to me - but perhaps that you would be able to find confidence in yourself.
no subject
[ it's not the kind of doubt that can be remedied by a few words. Why should they believe he wants anything good for them? They can hardly believe it when their own kin claim to want to help them.
Still. Cinnabar is soft-hearted by nature. Even if their mind rebels against his claims in self-defense, a deeper part of them wants what he's saying to be true. It would be nice to have people care. Not that they're going to say any of that - instead, they switch gears. ]
If you're not the one who did this, then you can't control whether it's permanent or not. Right?
no subject
Even if it is not a promise, it will be an attempt - and attempt after attempt, if that is what it takes.
[lune doesn't mind being a little annoying every now and then if it means that they'll accomplish what they'd like.]
I do not wish to give you false hope - but by a similar measure, I think it is also not entirely hopeless.
no subject
[ there's so much they don't understand at work here. ]
I'm supposed to leave this all in a stranger's hands...? No way...
no subject
[that said,]
We do not have to be strangers, if you don't wish for it.
no subject
But they're allowed to make friends, maybe. They're not dangerous anymore. They sigh, quietly. ]
I don't know if I can trust you. You're an unknown to me.
[ always getting in their own way, this one. ]
no subject
Indeed.
That is what the process of becoming less in the realm of 'strangers' and more in the realm of 'acquaintances' is meant to mitigate.
Would you like to try?
no subject
... Do whatever you want.
[ if he wants to try and earn their trust... they won't stop him. ]
no subject
Is there something you would like to know?
[since it feels more fair to let cinnabar ask the first question when they're the wary one]
no subject
[ that's been bothering them. None of the gems wear anything like that, and it's a little unsettling not being able to see what expression he's making. Cinnabar's already bad at social interactions. ]
no subject
Perhaps once we get to know one another better, I will be able to remove it.
Even so, I would not want appearances to color our first impressions of one another. Even though you are not human, others may still be very quick to judge.
no subject
Nothing you do makes any sense. You keep talking like there's someone above you giving orders, but you don't know who or what that is... Even so, you're still listening to it. Am I wrong?
no subject
In some way, it was a choice of faith to participate in this in this capacity - but the understanding that if I was not the one to do it, then someone else would be tasked with it.
I would rather do what I can in my own power, even if it is not as much as I wish, than to allow it to pass idly by without me.
(no subject)
(no subject)